American Idol Season 9: FINALE
Wow. I’m at a loss to describe how crushing a blow this finale was. I expected the tearjerker montages, and the heavy-handed Simon send-off, and the marching out of previous Idols and tired celebrity guests. However, I did not expect my season-long prediction drought to extend quite this far. In quite possibly one of the [...]
American Idol Season 9, Week 20: The Last Hurrah
So Wednesday’s American Idol finale is scheduled – yes, scheduled – to run over by seven minutes. This leads me to wonder: AI producers, there is absolutely no conceivable way to cut seven minutes? Nothing at all can possibly be removed from this two-hour show that would free up seven tiny, precious minutes? You’re telling [...]
American Idol Season 9, Week 19: The Results
You know that husked-out feeling you get after you just spent an hour alternately weeping and damning God? Then you’re inside my head right now. I can’t wait until two weeks from now, when I can go back to being an emotionless drone on Tuesday and Wednesday nights – actually, on every night except Thursday, [...]
American Idol Season 9, Week 19: Self-Congratulations Are in Order
One week until the finale! What the hell am I going to do with myself during these long midday evenings after next week? The days are getting longer – maybe I’ll tend to my sorely ill-maintained jungle of a lawn. Maybe I’ll sign up for that jewelry-making class I’ve been eyeballing, or finally get around [...]
American Idol Season 9, Week 18: Du-et to It
Two weeks left before we find out who’s the Season 9 winner of American Idol, and this seems like a good time to face the fact that I’m a punk for this show. I wasn’t even looking forward to Tuesday’s broadcast, and now I’m nearly verklempt at the thought of one of those poor suckers [...]
American Idol Season 9, Week 14: Ryan Seacrest Is Drunk…
Or on the verge of mental collapse. Or preparing to leave the show in a blaze of unstable, delirious glory. Whichever it is, it’s impossible not to notice. While I’m itching to start throwing out bullet points and presenting the evidence in one fell swoop, I think I’ll just include Ryan’s deviant behavior chronologically throughout [...]
American Idol Season 9, Week 13: The Results
I guarantee that around the nation’s water coolers today when American Idol Wednesday comes up in conversation, no one’s going to mention Season 7’s David Archuleta’s performance of “Imagine” or Rihanna’s performance of the worst song ever written. In fact, I’d be surprised if anyone remembers that Season 8’s Adam Lambert is the guest celebrity [...]
American Idol Season 9, Week 12: The Results, or I’m Salty
Although I’m not as angry as I thought I’d be after Wednesday night’s American Idol results show, I am definitely genuinely bummed out. Between segments of the giant commercial that the results shows have become, the Bottom Three was revealed to be Katie Stevens, Didi Benami, and Tim Urban, which was true to my predictions. [...]
American Idol Season 9, Week 11: The Results
No one’s surprised at this week’s American Idol results, so there’s no sense in beating around the proverbial bush. In a predictable and anticlimactic finish to the results show, Paige Miles was sent back to the Sunshine State Wednesday night. Joining her in the Bottom Three were Katie Stevens and Tim Urban, who both belonged [...]
American Idol Season 9, Week 11: You Can Skip This One
A lot of things are much more painful than Tuesday’s episode of American Idol – a bear trap closing around your leg, for instance. Root canals, kidney stones, and childbirth all hurt more, as does slowly tightening a vise around your temples. I hear being eaten alive is no joke, either. I know this on [...]
