I don’t know about you, but I could use a goddamn vacation. The day job’s really wearing me down these days, and I’m looking forward to my two-week return to northeast Ohio next month as if it were a tropical paradise. If Cleveland’s not your idea of a vacation, however — and why shouldn’t it be? The Rock Hall, the dining, the lake! Stop being so stuck up! — then perhaps these music-themed cruises might be more your style. You’re going to be drunk on a boat one way or the other on your vacation — why not be drunk on a boat with the musical acts you love?
June 5-9. 2014
I saw New Kids on The Block in 2010, and besides satisfying the infatuated seven-year-old that has always lived within me, the experience also led me to conclude that the members of New Kids on the Block had passed the time during their fifteen-odd years of relative obscurity by working out their upper bodies. As such, the idea of spending four days on the Carnival Splendor with Donnie, Danny, Jordan, Jonathan, and Joey doesn’t strike me as so awful. Alas, NKOTB Cruise 2014, which sets sail from New York City and lands in Bermuda two days later, is sold out. Try your luck on the wait list if you’re a die-hard who can’t miss it.
April 2-7, 2014
Look at that lineup! I’m not sure if I could even handle five days on a ship in the Caribbean with these acts. Is that the kind of thing that you can come back from? The Moody Blues and The Who’s Roger Daltrey reunite aboard the MSC Divina for the first time since 1970’s Isle of Wight Festival, the largest rock event ever held at the time. I’d wager they’re a combination that bears repeating.
October 31-November 4, 2014
Have you heard the good word, brother?! KISS is coming, along with the one and only DEF FREAKING LEPPARD, to a town near you this year. They arrive in LA this summer with a date at Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre on July 5th and an evening at The Forum on July 8th. I know you’ll be there with bells on, but what if that’s not enough KISS for you? What if the only thing that will satisfy your need for KISS is a bangin’-ass KISS-style Halloween cruise? You’re in luck, buddy.
KISS Kruise IV sets sail from Miami on Halloween day this year. The theme — should you choose to accept it! — is Dressed to Kill. Now, imagine with me for a moment how freaking awesome it’d be to be on a Halloween KISS cruise. WITH KISS! I wonder if they’ll let you have a wedding on there?
November 4-8, 2014
Do you miss Lilith Fair? Me, too. If you ask me, there just aren’t enough women singing in flannel these days, and that’s where Grammy Festival at Sea: Women Who Rock comes in. Four days aboard the Norwegian Pearl in the Bahamas with this lot, and you’ll ovulate so hard your ex-boyfriends will be able to feel it.
In all seriousness, this killer lineup of bad-ass female acts includes the Indigo Girls, Emmylou Harris, Shawn Colvin, and my all-time favorite female rockers, Heart, who kicked ass in 2011 when I saw them with Def Leppard.
November 12-16, 2014
You rave until 9 AM every weekend, you just shit yourself over the new Skrillex album this week, and you have a tattoo across your stomach that says GO HARD. It’s safe to say that you like to party. Why not party your vacation away, too? The Mad Decent Boat Party, featuring acts like DJ Snake, Zeds Dead, Dillon Francis, Nadastrom, and many, many more, floats through the Caribbean in November, although you won’t care where you are when you’re surrounded by lights and beats for four days straight.