If you’re anything like me, then you plan to round out 2013 with a solid five weeks of eating everything in sight. It’s the American way — after all, how else are we supposed to ease our anxiety about all the money we’re spending on Christmas?
Here are a few food-themed tunes to throw on while you organize your omg thanksgiving yummm!! Pinterest board and finish off that stale-ass candy corn that’s been eyeballing you from the coffee table since Halloween.
Booker T & the MG’s – “Green Onions”
Used in everything from Mexican pizzas to potstickers to your favorite turkey stuffing, green onions have a place of high honor in both the culinary and onion worlds. (Coincidentally, Onion World is the name of my Duran Duran cover band.) Fortunately, Booker T & the MG’s saved us the trouble of composing our own instrumental odes to green onions by doing so themselves in 1962.
For best results: Play as the soundtrack to your wacky holiday cooking montage. Bonus points for comic ineptitude and timing your zany antics to coincide with organ licks.
The Presidents of the United States of America – Peaches
Who doesn’t love peaches, right? Maybe they’ll find their way into a nice pie or cobbler at your house this Thanksgiving (if you have a shitty grandma who hates you and America).
For best results: Play while drop-kicking Grandma’s peach cobbler into the trash and driving her Buick to the bakery to get a proper God-fearing apple pie.
Warrant – Cherry Pie
What’s this, now? Cherry pie? Has the world gone mad? No lie, I love this song. Jani Lane wrote it in fifteen minutes on a pizza box. Is that not the most rock and roll thing you’ve ever heard? Well, second to the fact that he married the smokin’-hot babe in the video, Bobbie Brown. The asskicker: you know who she dumped to be with Jani? Matthew Nelson, of my much-adored Nelson twins!
For best results: Crank this one way up late Thanksgiving night, after you’ve had time to digest dinner and throw back nine or twelve bourbons. Sing loudly from your porch. Insert your neighbors’ names into the lyrics. Don’t worry — no one has to work tomorrow; they’ll enjoy it.
The Newbeats – Bread and Butter
The ’60s were a good time to sing about food, evidently. This 1964 cut by The Newbeats (dig on that fresh name!) is really a testament to one woman’s notable lack of skill in the kitchen, her only specialties being bread and butter and the occasional toast and jam. But hey, he missed that bread and butter when it was gone, didn’t he? Let that be a lesson to you.
For best results: Set this song as your alarm for when the rolls are done. That way you won’t burn them and you’ll have an excuse to bebop your way back into the dining room, right past your weird sister-in-law who thinks dancing is a sin ever since she joined that new church.
Adam Sandler – Thanksgiving Song
Ahh, yes. The ultimate tribute to the real reason for the season: shoveling turkey down our gullets until we end up as stuffed as the very turkeys upon which we’ve gorged. We become turkey hounds, turkey decimators, plowing through white and dark meat alike until our stomachs are swollen and only a pile of greasy bones remains. Then — and only then — we nap. Adam Sandler’s “Thanksgiving Song” is the true anthem for those brave, gluttonous souls who, year after year, test the limits of human digestive capacity with their courageous commitment to “no drumstick left behind.” We salute you, turkey warriors.
For best results: Record your own heavy-metal cover of this song and blast it through your headphones while you’re getting your turkey on. The song’s strength is your strength; rely on it, and it will get you right through that fifth-helping slump.
I don’t know about you, but I could go for a little nosh after all that. Do you think it’s too early to put the turkey in the oven? Maybe this could just be the test turkey. We’ll eat the real one on Thursday. (Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.)