Dirty Thirty 2

One day. That’s all I have left of my twenties, the 3,653-day period of my life that’s coming to an end tomorrow. (Three leap years.) In twenty-four hours, I will be a thirty-year-old woman.

How the fuck did this happen?!

Remember yesterday, when I was soooooo nonchalant and positive and well-adjusted? “I’m not nearly as freaked out about this as I always thought I’d be,” she said. Sure, easy for her to say. How the hell could me-from-yesterday have known what it would feel like to be twenty-four hours away, face to haggard, beckoning face with middle age? I could slap her.

The show must go on, however. Let’s see if I can wrap up this Dirty Thirty list without opening a vein. Not my veins, of course. Totally off-topic — anyone know where I can find a sacrificial virgin at this hour?

2007: Gym Class Heroes feat. Patrick Stump – “Cupid’s Chokehold”

Okay, I just listened to this song, and it made me feel a little better. It’s that Supertramp, I tell you. “Cupid’s Chokehold,” which ended up at #23 on the year-end chart, was my premium cut in 2007, which should come as no big surprise to anyone who got within five feet of me that year. Let’s just say I should have listened a little harder to this one.

TB hit: Bruce Springsteen – “Thunder Road”

Sometimes love’s all you got, especially when you live in a backwooded shithole. Bruce definitely got that right. (Nuttin’ but love, Ohio, I swear.)

2008: Fergie – “Big Girls Don’t Cry”

Oh, but sometimes things just don’t work out like you think they will, and then you have to live with them. Oh, hello, 2008! “Big Girls Don’t Cry” came in at #78 on 2008’s year-end chart after landing at #4 the year before. I know my issues — my beloved grandmother dying unexpectedly, for example — can’t possibly compare to, you know, Fergie’s relationship ending, but I could definitely relate that year.

TB hit: Jackson Browne – “For A Dancer”

Death sucks.

2009: Coldplay – “Viva La Vida”

“I discovered that my castles stand upon pillars of sand, pillars of sand,” sayeth #55 on 2009’s year-end chart. You know, it occurs to me that my adult life so far sounds a little depressing. Between each great unhappiness, there were many great happinesses, I swear. Maybe it’s just that the music that resonates truest is that which accompanies our hardships. Then again, what the hell do I know? I’ve had Def Leppard’s “Photograph” in my head for sixteen years straight, and it ain’t no funeral dirge.

TB hit: Dire Straits – “Romeo & Juliet”

My favorite song. No other cut like it. It belongs right there in 2009.

2010: Black Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Feeling”

I know I was late to the party, but I didn’t hear #29 on the year-end chart, the Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling,” until early 2010. A major period in my life had just ended (though not as major as MY FREAKING TWENTIES), and I was enjoying the fresh perspective and freedom that came with my new beginning. I had a feeling they were all gonna be a good night, and most of them were.

TB hit: Rod Stewart – “Rhythm of My Heart”

If I had a dollar for every time I drunkenly belted this song from the top of my lungs in 2010, then I could probably make a noticeable dent in my LA parking ticket debt. Yeah, 2010 wasn’t a bad year at all.

2011: Britney Spears – “Till The World Ends”

The Ke$ha-written “Till The World Ends” clocked in at #27 on 2011’s year-end chart. (By the way, I think Ke$ha’s a genius, I’m being totally serious, and I defy you to challenge me.) Boy, did this song ever get my fires lit. I was reasonably content with my life, but a little ember still occasionally flared inside of me, reminding me uncomfortably that “reasonably content” isn’t what I was put here to accomplish. I wanted more. But what?

TB hit: Jackson Browne – “The Pretender”

JB says it better than I can, as always.

2012: fun. – “Some Nights”

“Some Nights” awakened something deep within me. (Probably the thing that was trying to flare up my embers or whatever.) “What do I stand for? What do I stand for?” A question repeated as many times in my own mind in 2012 as it is throughout that song, which landed at #14 on the year-end chart. Somehow I knew that all the rapid changes I went through were building toward something big. I didn’t know what, though. Not yet.

TB hit: Def Leppard – “Armageddon It”

I had some badass times in 2012, and there’s no better song to reflect that than “Armageddon It.” You know what my favorite part of that song is? “Cause the best is yet to come, I SAID! CAUSE THE BEST IS YET TO COME!” Def Leppard wants you to know that even though they are having the time of their lives right now, partying harder than ever before, reaching new heights of insanity — the best is yet to come, baby, and they’re not going to be all Frank Sinatra-dopey about telling you, either.

2013: Capital Cities – “Safe and Sound”

Just in case you weren’t totally clear on how deep my obsession with Capital Cities’ “Safe and Sound” runs, here it is: my definitive Hot 100 hit of 2013, the one to which I usher in my thirtieth birthday. This song fills me with joy, happiness, hope, possibility, inspiration, and courage — all qualities I’ll gladly hand to 2013. This has been, without a doubt, the best year of my life. I love California, y’all, and I think it agrees with me. The best certainly is yet to come. Who gives a shit about turning thirty, anyway?

TB hit: The Mamas and the Papas – “Dedicated to the One I Love”

This new chapter. This entire adventure. My whole life. Love you, Mom and Dad.

I hope you enjoyed this trek through the hot hits of my adulthood. It certainly made me feel better, eventually. Will my spirits hold up? Will I succumb to alcohol poisoning over the weekend? Will I cheer the Cleveland Browns to victory over the wretched Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday? We’ll find out next week!