I’ve been to enough weddings to know that they could all stand to kick a little more ass. Why waste an open bar on a bunch of elegant finery that’s too pretty to destroy, anyway? It’s my sincere hope that one of my dear friends will someday have the sack to throw a full-on hard rock wedding. There, bedecked in leather, torn denim, and Aqua Net, we’ll toast their nuptials by getting hammered, rocking out, and wrecking stuff. (“Why not your wedding, Meg?” Because I’m married to the job, kid.)
Even badass hard rock weddings still must adhere to some tradition, however, and that’s why I’ve compiled this list of suggestions for the convenience of anyone who’s considering doing the right thing and having one to indulge me. Though your lame parents wouldn’t even be invited if you actually ruled, your slight nods to conventionalism might give them comfort once we’ve proceeded to the police questioning portion of the evening.
Here Comes The Bride: Alice Cooper’s “Poison”
There you are, in your local botanical garden or Church of Satan or what have you. Are you the proud groom, resplendent in your leather pants and heavy eyeliner? Or are you the blushing bride, radiant in your torn black lace wedding dress, lipstick smeared across your face, poised to take the walk of your life down that aisle in your shredded fishnets? Let’s get this mother started.
“Poison” is your perfect song. It’s got a big guitar-laden intro so everyone will know she’s coming, and why are you getting married if you’re not deliciously toxic to each other? Let’s face it: it’s 2013, and your impending marriage is probably doomed anyway. Alice Cooper’s Desmond Child-produced hit will fittingly kick off your unholy union.
The Wedding March: The Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil”
So you’ve been pronounced man and wife by your clergyman or your recently-ordained buddy Chad, and you’ve kissed the bride with far too much tongue for a daytime function (and no small amount of dry-humping). Time to rock your way down the aisle and out to the smoke-filled tour bus that will serve as your coach to the reception.
The jungle-like atmosphere of this song will make a perfect segue from your obscene display of animal lust into your triumphant exit and subsequent stampede to the nearest alcoholic beverages. As an added bonus, it’s a great song to smash bottles to, and we’re all probably going to feel like smashing some bottles at this point.
Introducing Mr. & Mrs. Badass: Quiet Riot’s “Cum on Feel the Noize”
Your family and friends are gathered at the reception hall/bowling alley/biker bar of your choosing, and chances are they’re already drunk and rowdy (and have been since 9 AM). You’re going to need a loud, obnoxious one to get everyone’s attention when make your sweeping entrance, or alternatively, when you stumble in clutching bottles of whiskey and shrieking incoherently.
It doesn’t get much louder or more obnoxious than “Cum on Feel the Noize,” and it’s appropriately celebratory.
Dinner Music: Ted Nugent’s “Stranglehold”
Not only will the dulcet tones of Sweaty Teddy complement your all-game-meat menu (and don’t forget, silverware is for pussies), but this song is so freaking long that your guests should be well into their post-meat binge nap before it’s over, and then onto their second wind shortly thereafter.
Your First Dance: Journey’s “Faithfully”
You two crazy kids are romantics at heart, let’s not forget.
That’s why you’re going to dance to “Faithfully” for your first dance as husband and wife. Well, half of it, anyway. Then, just when the booing from your irate guests threatens to become deafening, you smashcut into Motörhead’s “Ace of Spades” and thrash so hard that you end up with matching bloody noses.
Thank You and Good Night: Metallica’s “One”
It’s been a long night, and unless things have gotten really nasty, you two haven’t even consummated this thing yet. By now, you and your new lifemate are hammered, bloody, and hotter for each other than ever. All that’s left is to deal with these pesky guests who are still raring to go. What better way to say “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here” than by playing the most depressing song ever?
“One” has the power to turn even the most exuberant drunk into a sullen jerk who just wants to go to bed. Just make sure you’re out of there before the 4:36 mark; that’s usually when all that morose introspective crap manifests itself in the busting-up of stuff that doesn’t belong to the listener. Of course, you want your reception hall to burn to the ground — who doesn’t? — but you have your wedding night to attend to and a whole honeymoon suite full of other people’s stuff to bust up yourself. That’s why it’s so wonderful to share your special day with your closest friends, people you know you can trust to fully trash the place in your absence.
There you have it. What excuse do you have not to have a badass hard rock wedding now that I’ve damn near planned the whole thing for you?