One week until the finale! What the hell am I going to do with myself during these long midday evenings after next week? The days are getting longer – maybe I’ll tend to my sorely ill-maintained jungle of a lawn. Maybe I’ll sign up for that jewelry-making class I’ve been eyeballing, or finally get around to reorganizing my closets. Or maybe I’ll use the valuable time opened up by AI to obsessively stalk the contestants, host, and judges via Twitter while also laboriously poring through message board after message board searching for buzz on who’s going to replace Simon next season. Who knows – they’re all equally as likely, and this sentence is not true.

On Tuesday night, the Top Three first performed a song of their choosing, and then a song of the judges’ choosing. SPOILER ALERT: The judges liked the songs they chose better. Who’d have thought?

Casey James, performing “Okay, It’s All Right with Me” – Eric Hutchinson
In his pre-performance face time, Casey tells us he chose this song because this is a song like the ones he writes, and he wanted to choose a song that would reflect what kind of artist he’d become.
My reaction: This was a good performance for Casey – he had fun with the song, and it was a good choice for him, but I bet Crystal’s got something wicked up her sleeve, and this performance wasn’t amped up enough to leave a really strong impression. Nobody’s going to be at work on Wednesday talking about this one. Not bad for Casey, but on the bland side.
The judges: Randy said that Casey’s performance was “just kind of all right” for him, and that this is not the time in the competition to be playing it safe. He said it “didn’t quite work,” and that he wanted more from Casey. Ellen agreed with Randy, saying that Casey needed to “bring something bigger.” Kara suggested that performing a song that no one knows might have worked against him, and that because this was a first-time listen for most of the audience, they might not be prepared to connect with it. Simon compared Casey’s performance to a salad before dinner, said that it would have “no lasting effect on the audience whatsoever,” and called the song choice “a dud,” while inserting as an afterthought that Casey did, in fact, sound good while singing his piss-poor choice of a song.

Crystal Bowersox, performing “Come to My Window” – Melissa Etheridge
Crystal tells us in her pre-performance blurb that having fun is at the top of her mind in regard to this performance, and that this is one of her favorite songs.
My reaction: This is kind of a generic song, but according to Kara’s logic in judging Casey a minute ago, that should work for her, right? We’ll see what she says. This is not my favorite song, and I’m sure I’m not the only person hearing it for the 10,001st time tonight, but it was well-performed and well-sung and showed the best of Crystal’s vocal ability. However, definitely nothing rock-‘em-sock-‘em.
The judges: Randy didn’t like the arrangement, which he said was “fighting” Crystal, but loved her vocal and said it “still worked in the end.” Ellen agreed with Randy, and said that “Melissa would be very proud” of Crystal. Kara remarked that Crystal’s tone doesn’t hold up to Melissa Etheridge’s, but that she hopes Crystal “has a moment” tonight. Kara, I hope you have “a moment” tonight, too, but I don’t think we’re talking about the same kind of “moment.” Simon said that this was not the most stunning version of the song ever performed, but he respects that Crystal hasn’t compromised herself as an artist since the very beginning of the competition. He called her song choice “very honest” and said that he thinks she “made the right choice.”

Lee DeWyze, performing “Simple Man” – Lynyrd Skynyrd
…or, if you’re Ryan, “Lennard Skennard.” Could Ry really have never heard the words “Lynyrd Skynyrd” spoken aloud before? Is all of his blood in his ankles, trying desperately to prevent him from toppling over in his lifts? Anyway, Lee chose this song because it’s a song to which he can deeply relate.
My reaction: Better than I expected. Definitely a better song choice than both Crystal and Casey, and he performed the song pretty well. I’d say it’ll be better-received by the judges than the previous performances – it was one of his better efforts, and after the first two, there’s nowhere to go but up.
The judges: You’d think they’d get tired of lining up to kiss Lee’s ass after a while. I’m actually running out of gross exaggerations to describe their outrageous enthusiasm. Randy slashed his wrists, threw his bleeding body at Lee’s feet, and gasped that it was “brilliant,” “sounded amazing,” and that “somebody’s feeling like he could win it.” Not one to be outdone, Ellen snatched up the nearest ballpoint pen, stared straight into Lee’s eyes, and ran the pen clean through her palm. While the blood pooled, she compared Lee to a “baby lamb” who’s evolved into “a gazelle or an impala.” Kara reached under the table, pulled out a revolver, put a single round in the chamber, spun the cylinder, placed the gun to her head, said, “Round One goes to Lee,” and pulled the trigger. (She was safe this time.) Simon removed his branding iron from the white-hot flame in which it had been resting, took his shirt off, held the glowing metal a quarter of an inch from his nipple, said that Lee “crushed the other two in Round One,” and then branded Lee’s initials onto his man-boob. I think you get the idea. If you think that was ham-handed, you should have seen the judges.

Onto the judges’ choices!

Casey James, performing “Daughters” – John Mayer
Kara and Randy explained that they chose this song for Casey because they think it’s a good direction for him as an artist, and that his vulnerable, sensitive side is exactly what his audience – which Kara flat-out said was “women and girls” – wanted, and that he should “give it to them.” Yeah, you should definitely give it to us, Casey. Give it to us.
My reaction: God, is it hot in here? Man, does that guy know how to turn it on. I ate it right up. I don’t even like John Mayer, or that song. Casey took their advice and did dirty things to it, or else I’m experiencing extreme early-onset menopause. Can somebody open a window? This was a huge improvement over his first song of the night.
The judges: Randy, of course, backed up his choice of song, telling Casey it “fit [him] like a glove.” Ellen agreed, calling it “beautiful” and assuring Casey that lots of women and girls and possibly boys were voting for Casey tonight. Kara once again told Casey that his sensitive, vulnerable side is where he shines, and Simon said that while it was much better than the first song, the arrangement was “lazy.” This, of course, started a bitter little spat between Randy & Kara and Simon over whether the song has a strong enough “climax.” After Casey’s performance and then hearing them say “climax” a dozen or so times, I started to feel awfully close to needing a cigarette. Simon finished up – I won’t tell you whether I did or not – by saying that while there was “no ‘wow’ factor,” Casey did sound “very good.”

Crystal Bowersox, performing “Maybe I’m Amazed” – Paul McCartney
Ellen said she chose this song for Crystal because she wanted to see her surprise people and “tear the thing apart” by showing some vocal range.
My reaction: It was slightly distracting that this song is from a male perspective (you know – “maybe I’m a man, maybe I’m a lonely man…”), but other than that, Crystal tore it up, just like Ellen said she would. Possibly her most vocally expressive performance yet. I love that song, and I thought she did it justice.
The judges: Everyone loved it. Randy dubbed Crystal “in it to win it,” Ellen said that she “couldn’t have asked for more,” Kara observed that Crystal showed parts of her voice we hadn’t yet heard this season, and that the risks she took during this performance paid off. Simon said that originally, he was surprised at the song choice, but now he gets it, and added that Crystal has proven she has “soul.” He concluded by calling her performance “terrific,” and said that Crystal may be thanking Ellen for putting her in the finale. Because she hasn’t been the obvious front-runner all along, Simon – I’m sure it was this song that really woke America up to Crystal Bowersox.

Lee DeWyze, performing “Hallelujah” – Leonard Cohen
Simon chose this song for Lee in spite of its having been performed already on this season and seasons past because he likes Lee as a person, and wanted to choose something that shows his potential. Oh, hey, wow, you guys – did you know that Simon owns the rights to this song? Hmm. Me either.
My reaction: The first half was good, maybe even exceptional. It seemed like it was on the way to becoming a seriously good Lee performance. Then, during the second half, 75 people poured out onto the stage, and I couldn’t hear a damn thing. Judges – you want to talk about fighting the arrangement? I half-expected an elephant dressed for battle to come parading out onstage – that’s how grandiose and overbearing that shit was. I’m sure the judges will call it ridiculously good, but I couldn’t hear a note he sang during the second half of the song until the final long note.
The judges: I give up. There is no way to describe the ass-gobbling manner of these judges without comparing them to Japanese World War II kamikaze pilots or like, monks lighting themselves ablaze in the name of peace in Vietnam. Apparently, God said, “Let there be light,” and there, bathed in the glory of the heavenly Father himself, stood Lee DeWyze singing “Hallelujah.” Randy called this the biggest moment at the biggest time ever for Lee, then sparks flew out of the back of his neck and his animatronic head exploded. Ellen could only cry silently while hugging her knees and rocking rhythmically back and forth, until she finally sputtered the word “stunning.” Kara called this Lee’s “incredible, epic moment,” said that he “owned the entire night” and is even “the heart of this show,” then burned Crystal and Casey in effigy right in front of them. Simon said that he is “very, very proud” of Lee, showed that he’s “a fantastic singer and a great person,” and added that he “really hopes [Lee]’ll be here next week.” Then he invited the judges, Ryan, and the studio audience to participate in a more literal re-enactment of the figurative “birth” he gave to Lee as an artist. Thank God they cut away just as Simon hoisted his ankles into the stirrups.

My prediction: Um, I’m just going to take a wild shot in the dark and say that Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox are going to be in the finale next week. I think the judges made it pretty clear that they’re just not that into Casey, and if I know America, they’ll follow suit. It’s too bad – I honestly cannot see much in Lee that’s superior to Casey in terms of their musical ability, and if it comes down to anything, Casey’s hotter and better at guitar. Neither of them deserves to beat Crystal, however.

Wednesday night’s results show features Justin Bieber and Travis Darling, the latter of whom must feel like the most unpopular SOB alive after the millions of people watching Tuesday shouted “Who?” over the rabid pre-teen screams following Justin Bieber’s name being announced. Oh, well, buddy – there’s no place like the AI stage to feel inferior to a 16-year-old, so why not just go with it?