I’m at a loss to describe how crushing a blow this finale was. I expected the tearjerker montages, and the heavy-handed Simon send-off, and the marching out of previous Idols and tired celebrity guests. However, I did not expect my season-long prediction drought to extend quite this far. In quite possibly one of the greatest shocks I’ve experienced all year, Lee DeWyze was crowned Season 9’s American Idol Wednesday night. By the way, this year I found out that I’m adopted and that my brother is really my father, if that puts this into any perspective for you. Congratulations, Lee. I spent all season calling you mediocre and then feeling immediately remorseful because you seem like such a nice guy. I can’t wait to hear you sing “Beautiful Day,” aka “The Worst U2 Song Ever,” on the radio. Maybe if I keep saying that, it’ll be true.

American Idol Logo

Other highlights from the excruciatingly long finale:

– The Simon send-offs were touching, I’ll give them that – and I totally called Paula showing up. But maybe we’d better keep in mind that we’ll be seeing Simon quite soon once X Factor starts. Don’t even try to lie to yourself and say you’re not going to watch it. I’ve tried, and I just don’t have the capacity for that kind of self-deception after the jungle of emotions that I’ve just traversed.

– Bret Michaels? I thought he died. Oh, wait. That was just his career.

– After a season’s worth of lousy predictions on my part, I should have expected to be wrong about who’d win. But after hearing Lee perform that medley with Chicago, I am utterly perplexed as to who could have voted for him in good conscience. Lee is not a natural performer. Crystal Bowersox is a natural performer. Was it the dreadlocks, people? Her teeth? Are there naked pictures of Lee and his enormous manhood circulating the Internet that I’m not aware of?

– Crystal and Lee won new Ford Fiestas. Isn’t that just fantastic for them? After starring in ten or so Ford commercials, I suppose they deserve some kind of compensation. If you can call a Ford Fiesta “compensation.”

– I was unaware that Kara wrote “Before He Cheats,” which Carrie Underwood showed up and sang. As vapid as Kara can be, the woman knows how to write the kind of pop song that drunk women will trip over themselves to sing in karaoke.

– Does this mean Lee’s going to be headlining the Idols Live tour? What a crushing letdown for the people who will be attending.

– In what ended up being a fittingly bitter send-off for Crystal, she performed “You Oughta Know” with none other than Alanis Morissette. If that song weren’t about getting dumped for another woman, it could easily be about how I feel right now toward the American Idol voting public. “Beautiful Day” on the radio is “the mess you left when you went away,” people. Every time you hear that song, remind yourself that you did this. This is your fault.

Lee DeWyze is our American Idol, and we’ve come to the end of Season 9. I wish I weren’t signing off on such a disappointing note, but it is what it is. It’s American-freaking-Idol, and it wouldn’t be without the ups and downs and upsets that led us to this point. I’d like to leave you with some key things to remember:

1) I am a beautiful man-flower, and don’t you ever forget it;

2) I will never stop rocking the onesie;

And 3) RYAN SEACREST IS SHORT! He’s so short! Oh my God, he’s short! Ryan Seacrest, you are a short, short man!

Thanks for reading.