Or on the verge of mental collapse. Or preparing to leave the show in a blaze of unstable, delirious glory. Whichever it is, it’s impossible not to notice. While I’m itching to start throwing out bullet points and presenting the evidence in one fell swoop, I think I’ll just include Ryan’s deviant behavior chronologically throughout the recap so as to recreate the full bizarreness of it. Keep in mind that throughout the evening, Ryan’s speech was slurred and he kept giving us the big, crazy googly-eyes.

This week, the Top Nine celebrated Elvis Presley, the billion-selling, world-famous entertainment legend and were mentored by Adam Lambert, the thousand-selling Season 8 AI runner-up. To be fair to Boy George Jr., he is a charismatic solo performer who is uniquely sympathetic to the contestants’ positions, so I suppose the disparity there isn’t total. Anyhow, the contestants and Adam got to see Cirque du Soleil’s Viva Elvis show in Vegas, and I’m sitting here in a cat hair-covered Aerosmith t-shirt picking Dorito crumbs out of my keyboard and eating them, so I hate all of them.

After Ryan was beamed down from Planet Midget, he sat down in the audience with Adam and they talked about Elvis a little bit. Adam, who didn’t shove anyone’s face into his crotch at any time during the mentoring or tonight’s broadcast, told Ryan that during tonight’s performances, the contestants need to channel the spirit of Elvis by bringing energy to their performances and giving the audience something to “listen to, look at, and feel.” Well said, Goth Richard Simmons. Ryan then asked Adam what he’d be singing if he were performing tonight, and answers his own question by singing in a hysterical falsetto, “Whataya want from me!” He apparently sings this Adam song in his car, and after making some ridiculous faces, he explains to Adam that his tongue “isn’t nearly as talented as yours.” Just one of Ryan’s lame jokes? We’ll see. Adam does answer the question after Ryan’s outburst, saying that he’d probably sing the song that Tim Urban chose, “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” Remember this.

While not trying to determine the sobriety of everyone’s favorite little person, I did manage to catch a few performances from the Top Nine, and there were a few surprises.

Crystal Bowersox, performing “Saved”
Adam Lambert’s sage wisdom: Adam recommended that Crystal use the electric guitar rather than acoustic tonight and loves her authentic, real voice.
My reaction: Crystal’s first tonight! It’s hard to judge her without her performance being preceded by the usual feeling of “Dear God, when is Crystal going to come on?” Solid Crystal, as usual – she definitely took Adam’s general advice to everyone of going up-tempo, she showed vocal range and style, and she seemed to be having a good time. She’s definitely listening to Simon and sticking with what’s worked for her. I did notice that she didn’t seem to be doing much with that electric guitar, however.
The judges: Everyone loved it, natch. Randy praised its energy and all-around dopeness, calling her the “second coming of Bonnie Raitt”; Ellen called it fantastic, Kara liked the drama in the arrangement, and Simon was impressed that Crystal didn’t choose an obvious song, but one which was suited to her, and that she didn’t “fall into the karaoke trap” which he thinks other contestants will tonight. Afterward, Ryan stroked and admired Crystal’s “bedazzled” guitar.

Andrew Garcia, performing “Hound Dog”
Adam Lambert’s sage wisdom: Andrew got a little face time tonight, which Ryan spent asking him how he felt about Big Mike’s save last week. This wasn’t Ryan’s liquor showing, unfortunately; I think this was an insensitive move on the producers’ part. Adam found Andrew’s original arrangement of the song boring, and encouraged him to experiment with songs and be himself.
My reaction: This was Andrew’s best performance of the competition, by a long, long shot. My favorite thing he’s done, period, and that includes “Straight Up.” Remember that Hispanic Long Beach vibe I was getting from him last week? This is it, right there – he’s nailed it. This was his best vocal, his best song choice, and his best switch-up so far.
The judges: Think I’m retarded, except Ellen, who would never say such a thing. Randy hated it, calling it “bad karaoke”; Ellen liked it a lot, but noted that she could have used more swagger; Kara didn’t get it, and thought Andrew didn’t “own” the song or bring enough swagger; Simon called it lazy and unpredictable, and thankfully didn’t use the word “swagger” at all while telling Andrew that all of his “coolness is being sucked out of [him].”

At this point, a commercial break occurs, before which Ryan leaves us with a teaser that was something like, “Find out what Elvis song Tim chose after this!” We’ve all known what song Tim’s going to sing since Adam told you fifteen minutes ago, Ryan. When AI comes back from commercial, Ryan’s seated in the audience next to his mother, to whom he introduces the audience, and then comes out of nowhere with, “How depressed is she that I’m her son?” followed by desperate, anxious tittering. It’s at this point that I begin to worry that Ryan might be not only drunk, but suicidal. If he’d offed himself on the air, I’d know about it, right? It’s only a couple of hours later. Someone would have called me.

Tim Urban, performing “Can’t Help Falling in Love”
Adam Lambert’s sage wisdom: Liberace Reincarnate loves Tim’s pretty voice and his pretty guitar playing. He tried to convince Tim to sing in his horrible falsetto to end the song, which fortunately Tim did not do. Ryan flung his arm to one side, sputtered “Turban!” by way of introduction, and off we go.
My reaction: Tim, once again, was not terrible! His vocal wasn’t perfect, but it was an engaging performance, and in that style with Tim’s voice, it was almost recordable (if you threw in a little Auto-Tune). Tim hasn’t been painful to watch for two weeks in a row – is he improving? I genuinely hope so. I’ve been as hard on Tim as anyone, but you just can’t hate him – you just can’t. He’s the Tim Tebow of American Idol, except without the god-like talent. Also, Ryan was definitely slow-dancing with a man in the audience, who turned out to be last season’s Michael Sarver (whom I’ve never heard of, and no, it doesn’t make it any less weird that he knew the guy. In fact, it makes it a little weirder.)
The judges: Randy liked it, Ellen likened Tim to taking shots of tequila and cultivating a taste for the beverage – actually, the word you’re looking for is “tolerance,” Ellen. That’s what we’ve all been doing for weeks – tolerating him. Kara called it her favorite Tim performance so far, calling it “authentic,” “current,” and “singer-songwriter,” which Kara’s apparently turned into an adjective as of late. Simon told Tim he’s gone “from zero to hero” in two weeks, and that he’s taken their advice well. Good for you, Tim – Andrew’s officially taken your place as their whipping boy.

Before Lee’s performance, Ryan implores the television viewing audience to vote for their favorite, and then turns to a super-old lady in the audience. “Because you want to keep ‘em in the competition, right? You don’t want to lose ‘em – that would SUCK!” he nearly screams at her.

Lee DeWyze, performing “A Little Less Conversation”
Adam Lambert’s sage wisdom: Lee needs to smile more, perform more, and connect to the song. He mentions that Lee’s got nothing going on from the neck up, which is depressingly accurate.
My reaction: This wasn’t my favorite from Lee. Maybe the commentary beforehand predisposed me to be critical, but he seemed pretty wooden. It’s probably tough to sing Elvis and not sound generic, but it felt to me as though he was artificially trying to create energy and enthusiasm. It seemed as though Lee doesn’t really like this song at all.
The judges: Randy called it a great performance, Ellen thought it was current and that Lee’s growing confidence is making him “better and better,” Kara said that his vocals were “fire” but that maybe he could be a little less serious, causing Simon to jump all over her with the “what do you want, kittens” business, after which he told Lee it was “on the money.”

Aaron Kelly, performing “Blue Suede Shoes”
Adam Lambert’s sage wisdom: Aaron needs to grab the audience from the beginning and get growly. He also mentioned that Aaron needs to commit to the song and believe in himself. Aaron himself said he’s pretty sure he picked the wrong song. At this point, Aaron, you might as well have a monkey throw a dart to pick a song, because in these judges’ eyes, there is no right song, okay? THERE IS NO RIGHT SONG.
My reaction: I’ve gotta say that this was my favorite ever from Aaron, also. It had the potential to be the most generic song that he’s ever attempted, and it was the least generic of his efforts thus far. He was vocally better than ever, sounded more authentic than ever, and brought an attitude to the performance that we haven’t seen before. Way to step out of the sappy-ass power ballad box, Aaron.
The judges: Randy thought the song fit his voice better after the bluesy breakdown, Ellen thought it was really good, but “not all the way there”; Kara liked that Aaron stepped out of his comfort zone and thought he made the song current; and Simon disagreed completely, saying that the song didn’t make him come off any younger and that Aaron appears to be “dressing up for the part.”

Siobhan Magnus, performing “Suspicious Minds”
Adam Lambert’s sage wisdom: Adam advised Siobhan to speed up the tempo, as rhythmic musicality suits her well; he also added that it’s “a huge honor” to be compared with Siobhan. Siobhan, as it turns out, is a huge Elvis fan, even having done a report on him in sixth grade between black masses.
My reaction: The first half of this was almost disturbingly old-fashioned, sung in a bizarre Loveboat style that dated Siobhan about forty years. Then, after the breakdown, it turned into a celebration of Siobhan’s singing/screaming ability. She’s just too weird for me sometimes. I love what she can do with her voice, and it was good, but damn, the song is still a song. And my favorite Elvis song, no less.
The judges: Randy missed her big vocals and dug her Supremes-ish entrance, Ellen liked the second half in which Siobhan does “what [she] does best,” Kara is confused by Siobhan’s “two voices,” and she’s presumably referring to the fact that Siobhan neither screams nor whispers for the entire duration of any song; Simon called it “erratic” and “screechy,” noting that Siobhan didn’t hit the big notes, and tells Siobhan he thinks she’s lost who she is. And doesn’t Siobhan come right back at him, asking him how she’s supposed to label herself if she doesn’t even know who she is, and that she’s trying to show that she’s not just one kind of singer – she just loves to sing. You tell him, Siobhan. I’m getting sick of all of this “who-you-are-as-an-artist” crap, when most of these contestants write their own music which, oh darn, they can’t perform on Idol. Picking forty-year-old songs to mess around with isn’t exactly establishing “who you are as an artist.”

Michael Lynche, performing “In the Ghetto”
Adam Lambert’s sage wisdom: Adam loves Mike, and Mike’s voice, and believes that he “deserves to get right down to the end” of the competition. He advises Mike only to “pick up Elvis’s spirit” and “connect with people’s hearts.”
My reaction: This wasn’t bad, but I was sort of expecting the song to bust open in the middle like the original, and it was kind of a letdown when that didn’t happen. This was a good choice for Big Mike, in that it reminded the audience that he’s the only black guy left and it was devoid of the Barry White-style shtick that he’s been criticized for in the past few weeks. I did expect a little more in the wake of his almost-elimination, however.
The judges: Randy found the performance a little sleepy, but thought the vocals were hot. At this point, the show’s running over, so the judges’ reactions are limited to about a sentence apiece. Ellen’s sentence: “I’m glad we saved you.” Kara said it was a beautiful song, and Mike definitely sang it well. Simon called it a great choice and a big improvement over last week.

Katie Stevens, performing “Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do”
Adam Lambert’s sage wisdom: Katie needs to “sell it a little more,” and get in touch with her anger and let it show in her performances.
My reaction: Katie’s going home this week. This performance was everything that everyone hates about Katie. It was dated, artificial, generic, and what’s with the annoying, distracting head swivels, Katie? You look like I did when I was ten trying to lip-synch “Push It” while having no real idea of what the song was about, but knowing that I should wiggle something. What a huge waste of her voice.
The judges: Randy thought the vocals were nice and that it was “entertaining,” Ellen called it a “horny” song (“with a lot of horns”), which I’m sure all of the grandmas and teenybopper parents loved, especially in conjunction with Ryan’s earlier sloppy failed pass at Adam; Kara said, “You showed us, girl!” and proceeded to demonstrate her own white-girl head-swivelling; and Simon called it loud and annoying. What are we going to do without him?

Casey James, performing “Lawdy Miss Clawdy”
Adam Lambert’s sage wisdom: Adam suggested adding more of an arc to the song and giving it a beginning, middle, and end. I think Idol producers might be more in need of that advice than anyone. Also, Ryan introduced Casey by planting himself among a throng of teenage girls and screaming, “OMIGOD IT’S CASEY JAMES!!”
My reaction: Another solid one from Casey, definitely. I don’t know the song, but it sounded current and original, it flattered his vocal style, and was energetic and upbeat. Casey’s voice has definitely improved over the weeks.
The judges: Randy noted that Casey didn’t bring anything different this week, but that it was solid; Ellen agrees that it wasn’t as exciting as she’d have liked; Kara said it “fell short” of the brilliance of which she knows Casey’s capable, and Simon called it a “wasted opportunity” with a “completely forgettable” song, but added that the vocal was good.

My predictions: This is a tough one. Honestly, I think Tim’s safe this week, and not just because he’s the “Worsters” favorite – the guy is genuinely improving, and it’s actually kind of nice to see. Although I thought that they had banner nights, the judges disagreed, and I’m going to have to go with Andrew Garcia and Aaron Kelly in the Bottom Three, along with Katie Stevens. Who will go home? Let’s say Katie Stevens and Aaron Kelly, just to be different. It’s discouraging to say Andrew every week only to be shot down. Also, I wouldn’t rule out a surprise in the Bottom Three this week – I have a feeling that some of the people who went all Siobhan-crazy a few weeks ago are probably losing steam by now since she went back to being all creepy and ‘70s.

Will Ryan have slept it off by Wednesday night’s results? After those results, will we feel compelled to join him, either in drunkenness or insanity? Stay tuned!