Although I’m not as angry as I thought I’d be after Wednesday night’s American Idol results show, I am definitely genuinely bummed out. Between segments of the giant commercial that the results shows have become, the Bottom Three was revealed to be Katie Stevens, Didi Benami, and Tim Urban, which was true to my predictions. However, my clairvoyance proved to be short-lived as Didi Benami came up with the short straw and the least number of votes, sending Katie and Teflon Tim back to safety.

I think I’m going to have to assume the kind of nihilistic attitude Simon has toward Tim and simply deal with the fact that he’s not going home yet. I like everything about him except for anything he does that involves singing and performing, so that should make his remaining time somewhat more bearable – I hope. The judges elected not to use their option to save after Didi’s performance of “Rhiannon,” and I’ll miss poor, sweet, sensitive Didi, but I can grudgingly accept her elimination in light of her past few performances. I’m sure the Kleenex shareholders are rejoicing at this, also – Didi should definitely shed a few hundred thousand wet ‘n shinies over this. (Do they talk like that at Kleenex corporate marketing meetings? Like, do they have crying lingo?)

I made a few non-result-related observations during this results show, as well. For one, I’m now seized by an overwhelming compulsion to drive a 2011 Ford Fiesta to see Clash of the Titans in 3D while playing Usher and Diddy’s new albums. Seriously, it’s getting that out of control.

Nice “Kung Fu Fighting” Ford commercial, too. Once again, I’m also seized by uncontrollable childish jealousy of the contestants for being able to do all of this fun stuff.

Ruben Studdard, the oft-mocked butt of my American Idol “where-are-they-now” jokes, has lost a ton of weight and looks amazing. Of course, his appearance drew comparison to Big Mike, and between the two of them, Ryan Seacrest looked like a hermit crab. I also noticed that full-length songs seem really long on American Idol, and that the caliber of talent has increased many fold since Ruben’s days on AI. I noticed those things simultaneously, and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Relations are becoming uncomfortably tense between Ryan and Simon. I’ve tried to ignore this in past weeks, but it’s noticeably strained during their are-they-serious bickering. Let me give you some advice told to me by a wise man, boys: Give in to it. Release the power within yourself. You heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That’s right; don’t be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt. (The Ladies Man said it best.)

Speaking of deep longings and shameful urges, a few of mine were fulfilled tonight as Big Mike picked up Ryan Seacrest like a sign language-speaking gorilla picking up a kitten. How long have all of us, including Big Mike, been waiting for that? I feel cleansed.

My irrational fear of strobe lights triggering unknown latent epilepsy prevented me from watching Diddy’s performance, including the freaking breakdown in which Diddy intoned, in the voice of God, to turn up our televisions, turn down our lights, and “rock wit [them].” I’m truly in awe of this man. Way to go, Diddy, for returning to active artist duty in style by promoting yourself on America’s number one show. Is there anything this guy doesn’t have his fingers in?

Usher’s performance confirmed for me that he truly is the black Michael Jackson. Also, is it just me, or are these performances a little risqué for a show with the range of audience such as American Idol? I’d say there aren’t just a few eight-year-old girls and grannies watching these shows, and Usher’s singing “Honey got some boobies like wow, oh, wow”? I’m sure she does, but goshdarnit, American Idol, grannies across America were probably a little put off. Unless they, too, have boobies like wow, oh, wow, in which case they were probably flattered.

Next week, the Top Nine contestants take on the John Lennon/Paul McCartney songbook. Anyone want to guess what song Tim’s going to butcher? I bet it’ll be early Beatles – “Hard Day’s Night,” maybe? Also, I’ll wager that Siobhan sings something off the White Album. I don’t know why I continue to increase my chances of being wrong as usual. We’ll see how things turn out next week!