A lot of things are much more painful than Tuesday’s episode of American Idol – a bear trap closing around your leg, for instance. Root canals, kidney stones, and childbirth all hurt more, as does slowly tightening a vise around your temples. I hear being eaten alive is no joke, either. I know this on an intellectual level, but my baser natures are still recoiling from the hot, horrible mess that was 90% of American Idol last night. As the judges mentioned, only the Top 10 go on the American Idol tour, so this week is particularly crucial. It’s unfortunate that even with the excitement of this added pressure, I still kept thinking about how I could have been watching Lost instead of watching these poor people suffer.

To add insult to injury, this week featured Miley Cyrus as a celebrity mentor to the contestants. I’m having a hard time thinking of anything that could make these contestants feel more like bums than looking like a total amateur in front of superstar jailbait who’s probably already made more money than they ever will in their entire careers, even if they win. Oh, wait, I know – remember the Sandman on Showtime at the Apollo who’d come out and jack you from the stage if everybody was booing you? That might be slightly more humiliating, but not by much.

And now, the gruesome details of the Top 11 tackling #1 Billboard Hits:

Lee DeWyze, performing “The Letter” – The Box Tops
Miley’s critique: Lee’s great, but he needs more stage presence. Also, she sounds like she should be on a phone sex hotline.
My reaction: Bad move, Lee. At some point in the last week, Lee pinpointed everything I like about him and promptly forgot it. If he’d gone with an arrangement more like the original, then it could have been a completely different story – he’s usually so soulful and could’ve brought that to this song if he’d done it like it was originally recorded. Instead, it came off cheesy and generic.
The judges: Randy, Ellen, and Kara all thought it was just great, telling him he raised the bar for himself, he knocked it out of the box, etc., while Simon wondered why he’d choose this song of all of the thousands of number-ones out there to choose from. [Editor’s Note: Uh, duh, Simon. The entire music world is mourning the loss of The Box Top’s frontman Alex Chilton this week. Did you not get the memo?] He thought it was corny and thinks Lee’s missing the point by not defining himself as a contemporary artist.

Paige Miles, performing “Against All Odds” – Phil Collins
Miley’s critique: Admired the power of Paige’s voice and noted that her biggest problem is pitch.
My reaction: Whoa. After 20 seconds of this song, I can safely say that Paige is going home this week. It was terrible to the point that I couldn’t believe I was even hearing it. Hearing the playback immediately beforehand about her pitch problems must have really psyched her out. Painful.
The judges: Aside from Ellen’s comments on how great she looked and that at least she didn’t topple over in her huge heels, the consensus was unanimously awful. Randy used the word “terrible,” Kara called it easily her worst vocal and quite possibly the worst vocal of the season, and Simon told her that she’s in serious trouble. Paige definitely deserves consolation points for not crying after they tore her to shreds.

Tim Urban, performing “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” – Queen
Miley’s critique: Tim needs to push the limit, and she doesn’t find him boring at all. Because I’m sure she doesn’t think he’s cute or anything.
My reaction: What the hell is going on tonight? Am I especially bad-tempered today? Is carbon monoxide leaking into my living room and warping my judgment? I’m not what you’d call Tim’s biggest fan on a good day, and I try to take that into consideration, but this sucked hard. He was going for showmanship, but I felt like I was watching and listening to Leif-freaking-Garrett. Not to mention that Paige’s performance was probably the most prime performance he could have followed all season, and it still came off terrible.
The judges: Acknowledged the suckfest in many and various ways. Kara even got kind of pissy, accusing Tim of “acting like he’s already made it” with the on-stage antics, and Simon called it “pointless and silly” and estimates that Tim has a “zero percent chance” of winning.

Aaron Kelly, performing “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” – Aerosmith
Miley’s critique: Nothing bad to say about Aaron, who (of course) has a genuinely cute crush on MC. Now it’s Aaron’s turn for face time before his video lead-in – they must give it to a couple each week. He and Ryan discussed the laryngitis/tonsillitis he’s contracted. Too bad nobody mentioned it until after Paige’s performance last week. Hmmm.
My reaction: His laryngitis definitely shows. Aaron didn’t do a whole lot with this song except Rascal Flattsify it like he does everything else, and his voice lacked the usual power behind it. Came off kind of mediocre, but definitely not the worst thing I’ve heard all night.
The judges: Randy admitted that it wasn’t perfect, but was definitely a nice break from the horror so far. Ellen thought it was amazing, and Kara said it was the best song choice of the night, which isn’t saying a whole hell of a lot, but added that she likes Aaron’s consistency and ability to accentuate his strengths. Simon, on the other hand, thought it was a “brave” choice, but still thinks he’s going too old-fashioned. Simon also brilliantly observed that Aaron has a “zero percent chance” of going home tonight, which any aurally able warm-blooded creature could have deduced by this point in the proceedings.

Crystal Bowersox, performing “Me and Bobby McGee” – Janis Joplin
Miley’s critique: Crystal needs to showcase that gospel-y tone to her upper register.
My reaction: I groaned when I heard that Crystal was singing this song. I mean, how cliché can you get, Crystal? She comes on-stage with the dreads and the floppy hippie dress, and she’s damn near a caricature. Then she started singing and once again made me glad that she refuses to quit singing exactly what she likes. Crystal’s performance was absolutely awesome, and she blew out some notes and really showed off her voice better than ever before. She could record that performance right now and put it out as-is, and people would listen to it.
The judges: Randy proclaimed that “this is the way you do it” and “she’s what it’s about,” Ellen wants more personality and connection, Kara felt more this time but wants her to let go completely, and Simon wouldn’t change a thing, saying it was as good as one of the best versions of that song he’s ever heard.

Mike Lynche, performing “When A Man Loves A Woman” – Percy Sledge
Miley’s critique: She’s in love with him and loves the personality he brings to his performance.
My reaction: I think Mike may be the only real contender for the guys. Each week, he chooses better and better songs and learns to better and better feature his strengths. This was definitely solid.
The judges: Randy loved it, Ellen thought it was safe but amazing, Kara thought it a bit boring and lounge-y, saying that she lost the connection and that there were too many riffs; and Simon thought it was “almost too much,” adding that he didn’t make the song relevant and contemporary.

Andrew Garcia, performing “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” – Marvin Gaye
Miley’s critique: She got him to lose the guitar, which she said she thought was impairing him.
My reaction: I think by now we’re all in agreement that if it weren’t for “Straight Up,” Andrew wouldn’t be here right now. It was just not cool, and Andrew was so good at cool when he was good – I even really liked his version of “Sugar, We’re Going Down.” He had a very definite cool factor before, and now he’s trying to sing one of the hippest songs ever recorded and sounding like a goof.
The judges: Thumbs down all around. Kara started yammering on about “Straight Up” again, and Simon finally said what everyone’s been thinking: that maybe “Straight Up” was overrated and that Andrew’s had plenty of time to improve.

Katie Stevens, performing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” – Fergie
Miley’s critique: Katie needs to remember who she is and show more confidence.
My reaction: Honestly, for me, this was a better fit for Katie than any of her previous songs. But God, the pitch! It was terrible. She just didn’t hit the notes. Not quite as bad as Paige, but still pretty bad.
The judges: Ellen called it Katie’s best so far, which was really mind-boggling since I think it was hands-down her worst. Then Simon and Kara started bickering over what kind of artist (country vs. pop/R&B) Katie should try to be, including ten words or so about Katie’s actual performance. Three of those words were “mad pitch issues,” so at least one of them was listening.

Casey James, performing “The Power of Love” – Huey Lewis & The News
Miley’s critique: Casey should make eye contact with his audience and bring more personality to his performances.
My reaction: This was one of his better ones, I think, but I still wasn’t knocked over. The song is well-suited to his voice, and he sounded good, but he didn’t do much with it. The running theme of the evening so far has been “generic,” and Casey fits right in.
The judges: Randy wasn’t a fan of the song, but thought Casey did it well; Ellen called it the best performance of the night, Kara pronounced Casey “ready to make an album,” and Simon dumped all over it, comparing Casey to an ‘80s cover band with “no effort or originality.”

Didi Benami, performing “You’re No Good” – Linda Ronstadt
Miley’s critique: Didi should go bigger and show more sass.
My reaction: Well, she brought on the sass, all right. This had a bit of the cheesed-up and ridiculous about it, but otherwise, Didi was spot-on vocally. She’s really learning to display her vocal ability – that besides her beautiful tone, she can hit notes, too. Girlfriend does tend to make some pretty unflattering faces while she sings, though.
The judges: Randy called it pitchy, which I did not hear at all; Ellen didn’t get it, Kara thought it “didn’t feel like” Didi, and Simon compared it to Lacey’s performance last week in that they both appeared to be acting in musicals. I hope that’s not foreshadowing, Didi, because I think you’ve got it in you, sister.

Siobhan Magnus, performing “Superstition” – Stevie Wonder
Miley’s critique: Siobhan should bring some of that swagger in her voice onto the stage. Whatever the hell that means.
My reaction: Like everything Siobhan has ever done and ever will do, this was weird. It’s like she’s got 15 personalities, and they all scream. There’s no denying that she’s good, though – really, really good. Of all of her performances up to this point, this wasn’t my favorite, though.
The judges: Everyone fell all over her, exalting her conviction and fearlessness and self-expression, while Simon reminded her that she, as well as all of the other contestants except Crystal, needs to start pushing it if they want to win.

My predictions: With this kind of a smorgasbord of suckitude to choose from, it’s tough to narrow it down to the three worst. However, I’m going to call the Bottom Three as Paige Miles, Katie Stevens, and Andrew Garcia, with Paige Miles ultimately going home. I’ve given up on Tim being ousted for a little while owing to his minions of heartsick adolescents, but I’m fairly confident that the bell will soon toll for him once the rest of the chaff is gleaned from this crew. To be honest, I’ll be angry if the Bottom Three includes anyone outside of those four – their performances were god-awful, and even if the judges couldn’t hear it, I know America did.

Will Wednesday’s results have me spewing venom? We’ll find out!