More than 100,000 people in seven cities turned out for American Idol’s Season 9 auditions, and frankly, I feel like I’ve seen every one of them. As much as I enjoy the excitement and anticipation of the auditions (not to mention the cheap laughs), this week has found me longing for the competitive weeks ahead, if only for the reason that we will no longer be subjected to anyone who can say with a straight face, “I am a beautiful man-flower.” Once Hollywood Week is upon us, we’ll finally be able to separate the wheat from the chaff without the distraction of men in bikinis, obnoxious guest judges, or talentless fools who won’t take no for an answer.
Tuesday’s Denver auditions and Wednesday night’s audition montage (could they not find an eighth city?) contributed a few considerable talents to the 181 lucky hopefuls who are on their way to Hollywood. And, of course, there were the freak shows. A few highlights:
Ty Hemmerling, aka Bikini Boy: Do I really have to say anything else?
Austin Paul: It’s a little-known fact that all members of any college football team covet and envy the much-celebrated long-snapper. You know – the guy who throws the ball to the guy who holds the ball for the kicker? Besides their legions of devoted fans and the near non-stop media coverage they receive, the fact that they barely have to play at all makes them the object of all of their teammates’ adoration. Don’t take it from me – take it from the self-championing Austin Paul, who hopefully is much more talented at long-snapping than he is at singing.
Mark Labriola, one-man ‘Band on the Run’: Mark’s mother kidnapped him when he was 4 years old, and they were fugitives from the law until he was 10. No sob story here – he’s surprisingly good-natured about it, and in fact didn’t even bring it up until Simon showed unusually strong interest. His performance of Squeeze’s “Tempted,” along with his easygoing personality, convinced the judges that he may be a “runaway” success. (Sorry, couldn’t help that one.)
Kimberly Kerbow, creative lyricist: Kimberly performed Ingrid Michaelson’s “The Way I Am” very well, and she has a great look (wig speculation notwithstanding). However, her variation on the lyrics—“I’d buy you Rogaine/if you lose your hair,” which was apparently directed at Simon—was puzzling. I can understand a little playful retooling of the lyrics, but why, Kimberly? Is that the best that you could come up with?
The tearful Danelle Hayes: Danelle, a karaoke host and cover band singer, was crying before she even began singing, and for once, the tears weren’t annoying or contrived—she appeared genuinely moved by her opportunity to sing for the panel. She performed Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m the Only One” in a powerful, husky voice that’s nothing like the typical sugar-toned female AI contestant. Let’s keep an eye on this one.
Adrian Chandtchi, our beautiful man-flower: Yes, I realize that I’ve already made the joke, but I can’t get enough of the phrase. “I am a beautiful man-flower.” Say it once, aloud, and say it again. “I am a beautiful man flower.” I think I’ve found a new meditation mantra.
Picks of the Week
We had some very strong contestants closing out the audition rounds, including one of my personal favorites. Man, I can’t wait to watch all of these people cry next week!
Lacey Brown (Orlando): Lacey made it to the Top 50 last year and just missed procession to the next round. Is this her year? From the sound of her rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” a famously difficult AI audition song that she performed without even flinching, it might just be.
Haeley Vaughn (Denver): 17-year-old Haeley has the distinction of being a black aspiring pop-country artist, so right away, she stands out. Her performance of Carrie Underwood’s “I Don’t Even Know His Last Name,” however, needed no novelty in order to be set apart from the typical audition. Haeley’s different, she’s interesting, and she’s bursting with personality—so much so that the judges asked to meet her family! Haeley’s in my personal top 5 for the audition series, and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for her.
Didi Benami (Los Angeles): Didi’s raw, genuine, and has a lot of heart. Her performance of “Hey Jude” was in honor of her best friend, who passed away four years ago. She sings from the heart, and that can go a long way.
Hope Johnson (Dallas): Hope’s a dirt-poor country girl, but she might have gold in her sweet, husky voice. She’s a diamond in the rough. Let’s see if she can gain the control necessary to go all the way.
So who are my top 5 picks of the audition series? Glad you asked.
Jermaine Sellers (Atlanta): He auditioned way back in week 1, and none of the guys who’ve auditioned since have blown me away like he did.
Haeley Vaughn (Denver): Just a huge stand-out in the giant, vast, unending, ceaseless, infinite sea of contestants. I can’t wait to see what she does with her guitar.
Erica Rhodes (Dallas): Maybe her dominatrix gear worked and I subconsciously fear her, but I remember Erica’s voice better than her get-up.
Tasha Layton (Los Angeles): Tasha has the potential to become the Carrie Underwood of this season. She’s good-looking and wholesome, with strong, versatile vocal ability.
Keia Johnson (Atlanta): Something about the former Miss Congeniality has kept her in my mind since week 1. She’s got serious pipes, a great look, and a winning personality.
Is that really it? Are the auditions really over? I can unstring this noose now? Oh, thank God. Join me next week when we advance bravely into the hot mess known as Hollywood Week. I’d suggest a drinking game in which you take a drink every time someone cries, but I fear the legal repercussions that would result from the widespread alcohol poisoning.
