I remember the first time I saw American Idol, sometime in the summer of 2002 while flipping through channels, and thinking, “Oh, they brought back Star Search? I bet that’ll last long.” Sometime over the next eight years while my smug sense of superiority was keeping me warm at night, American Idol became what some might call the television phenomenon of the decade and what I grudgingly call “somewhat successful.” However, since the former are the folks from Nielsen, who estimate that an average of 33 million people watch every week, you might do well to listen to them. American Idol has spawned 8 winners and assorted runners-up who have sold some 35 million albums – and that doesn’t even include digital downloads.

Over the next few years, one could say I was a casual Idol watcher – a full season here, a full season there, but never consecutively, and never without gleefully ragging on anything and everything Idol seemed to represent to me – a culture obsessed with instant fame and fortune, a corporate machine designed to commercialize and exploit naïve young hopefuls trying to get a break, the carefully orchestrated drama into which the show sucked viewers who, to me, almost certainly could have found something more constructive to do with their time, like join a movement for social change or volunteer in their communities (neither of which I have ever done, of course). I took great personal satisfaction in saying things like “American Idol? Hell, no, I don’t watch that crap. But Chris Daughtry got totally robbed last season.” However, at some point, my rhetoric began to ring hollow to my own ears. Who am I, after all, to judge what millions of people consider a worthy expenditure of their time? Who am I to judge myself as morally superior to a show that gives hopeful young talents a shot at their ultimate dream? And besides, how will I ever learn the truth behind Ryan Seacrest’s as-yet-unconfirmed dwarfism if I don’t take every opportunity to observe him?

That’s why this year, I’m casting aside my scorn and ridicule (well, some of it) in order to take a fair and balanced look at Season 9 of American Idol, beginning with this week’s two-night, four-hour premiere, which showcased memorable auditions from Boston and Atlanta. In honor of the first episode, I’ve decided to compile a list of this season’s “firsts,” from the good, to the bad, to the hideously ugly.

First sadly overconfident example of why video games are misleading people into thinking their virtual skills translate into real-life ability: That would be Boston’s Janet, also the first contestant to make it onto the airwaves this year, whose inspiration for auditioning was her mastery of the AI video game. Unfortunately, her Mary Katherine Gallagher-esque performance of “Pocket Full of Sunshine” was less than masterful.

First contestant – or quite possibly, person ever – who’s wanted to be big in Japan: Boston’s Mere Doyle, a self-described “otaku,” which is Japanese for “freakishly obsessed American against whom the entire country of Japan has filed a restraining order.” Actually, she just really, really, really likes anime, which had not thing one to do with her poor performance of Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart,” which also led to another of this season’s firsts – the first instance of inconsolable pleading and subsequent freaking out after the inevitable rejection.

First desperately loveable stereotype: Vanessa Wolfe, who auditioned in Atlanta but hails from Vonore, Tennessee, works in fast food, jumps off of bridges for fun, and bought her audition dress for $4.50 at the dollar store. After her surprisingly skilled and authentically country rendition of “Wagon Wheel” by The Old Crow Medicine Show, the judges passed her through to Hollywood, after which she squealed from excitement brought on not only by her success, but also her impending first “air-o-plane” ride. Oh, it’s contestants like Vanessa who warm the blackened cockles of my shriveled heart. And unlike Kelly Pickler’s is-she-or-isn’t-she version of the backwoods country girl, America should have no trouble buying Vanessa’s true-blue personality.

First obnoxious performance by a guest judge: Unlike Boston’s guest judge Victoria Beckham, who was the picture of class during her audition series, Atlanta’s guest judge Mary J. Blige showed a noticeable lack of respect for many contestants. Okay, we get it, 9-time Grammy winner Mary J. Blige – some of these people suck, and suck hard. But does that mean you’re entitled to laugh at them, hysterically and at great length, before they’ve even begun, like you did in the case of Jesse Hamilton? If Victoria Beckham could manage to be polite while trying not to starve to death, then you could have at least shown a little restraint.

First gimmick that actually worked: Holly Harden, who showed up for her audition resplendent in full guitar suit. Yes, guitar suit – head to toe, complete with double-guitar sunglasses. Before I could reach the fast-forward on my DVR remote, however, she burst into her rendition of Loretta Lynn’s “You Ain’t Woman Enough To Take My Man,” and I was glad that bowl of Cheetos had been in my way. Yep, she’s going to Hollywood, and hopefully she’ll leave the instrument-themed get-ups behind. (Although I’d really love to see her pipe organ costume.)

First thing that’s going to get on my nerves until the auditions are over: “Yes” is a pretty definitive word, right? There are no varying degrees of “yes” that I’m aware of, but the Idol judges appear to think differently. Not only is there a “100% yes” that I’ve been missing, but also “one million thousand hundred percent yes” and even “one billion percent yes,” and everything in between. Randy, Kara: “curb your enthusiasm” is not just the name of a television show. They’re real words.

First Picks of the Week: Each week during the auditions, I’ll be selecting a handful of hopefuls to keep in mind as we get closer to the Top 24. These represent the true talent of the bunch – those whose performances we’re not likely to forget as we’re inundated with auditions from around the country.

Ashley Rodriguez (Boston): A beautiful, dusky girl with serious pipes. It’s hard to miss her commercial appeal.

Katie Stevens (Boston): Barely old enough to drive, 16-year-old Katie has the voice and control of someone who’s been in the business for years. America loves young Idol contestants, but the judges often don’t, so we’ll see what’s in store for this prodigy.

Tyler Grady (Boston): Looks like Andy Samberg, sounds like Brian McKnight. If that’s not enough, he also dresses like Jim Morrison. A surprisingly pleasing combination.

Keia Johnson (Atlanta): A former “Miss Congeniality” in the Miss America competition, Keia sang “My Heart Will Go On” like it was the first time I’d heard it. And what’s more, all the people who are being forced to listen to it non-stop in Hell agree with me.

Jermaine Sellers (Atlanta): This is the guy to watch, folks. When Jermaine busted out “What If God Was One of Us,” I upended my bowl of Cheetos with such force that it nearly broke the TV. He’s got the whole package – voice, soul, and a professional church singing background. Add the emotional appeal of his mother, who suffers from spina bifida and whom he takes care of, and we’ve got a potential American Idol on our hands.

That’s all for this week. Stay tuned next week, when the judges travel to Chicago, land of wind, pizza and surely some fabulous (and fabulously awful) Idol hopefuls, and I continue my ongoing struggle with sincerity.